When things hurt for a minute, that scared me. What I probably mean is it saddened me, and that sadness scared me.
I’m not sure why I’ve, in the past, been fearful of less than positive emotions.
I definitely know a few reasons, but I’m not going to be held back by those anymore. What held me back is not the point of this post.
It’s been a little bit of feeling feelings I don’t love. I hesitantly reached out to someone whose brought nothing but subtle joy and sweet sounds into my life for the past few years. Seemingly insignificant, the energy between us is anything but.
Though at very different places in our lives, we always have a way to connect. Turns out he is dealing with his own stuff right now, as I am. His are more intense, more pronounced, it seems, so I feel funny comparing my situation to his. But I feel lucky to hear his thoughts and perspective- usually I can only guess from the music he sends me. Today he said it really eloquently:
“Its wild how much it shakes you when someone breaks up with you even when its not a very serious thing”
He got me exactly. Things weren’t serious enough to think twice about, and even more than that- they certainly weren’t worth being upset over. That’s why I was all the more upset with myself- why was this worthless sadness impacting me?
“But being sad definitely isn’t a bad thing, I think you should embrace it”
I asked him why.
“I mean it’s just not good to ignore emotions I don’t think. They have a reason, and if you can kinda follow it down it’ll help you get to know yourself”
He didn’t pretend to know everything or be an expert. He didn’t try to fix me, or save me. I laughed when he qualified this with he isn’t as good as he sounds at taking his own advice…. but it wasn’t about that. It wasn’t just that, over the past few years, he’s given me the space to feel what I feel with either his music or his words.
His perspective was so refreshing. Though subtle words and thoughts, they were a dramatic wake up for me- it is long past time to unlearn the ideas that sadness or anything less than positive is something to be avoided.
I want to try to feel what I’m feeling. It’s so natural, it’s so common sense. There is something to be learned from everything- including sadness. Perhaps sadness even more than joy.
It’s time I stop running from sadness, from fear, from disappointment. And feel it instead.
Feel it so I can grow. Feel it so I can know myself.
This isn’t the first time he illuminated a
truth for me. Just meeting him was the biggest wake-up call that there are really incredible people all over that I can connect with. I had never met someone whose energy was so new… so beautiful.. so different… so unlike anyone I had ever met… but who I felt so connected with.
I always say the people who change my life are those that I’ve met or have known for only a few days. Sometimes I’m lucky enough to stay in touch with them; to me, meaning, the lessons from them are not yet done with.
I met him when I was distraught over someone who hurt my heart so much. I was traveling, and heart-broken. Having an amazing experience but distracted by the pain and rejection I felt. Spending time with him was easy, simple, and a breath of fresh air. He made me realize that there would always be others, other amazing people, that I could and would connect with. That connecting with people is in my very nature.
Over two years later he still makes me realize things that are seemingly simple but hidden for me, buried by past experiences and un-healed wounds.
It’s not about him- it’s about the real gifts of human connection, of warmth, support, kindness, and care that the people we’ve shared energy with give to us when we need it most. I guess I am caught up on how the universe just knows to give me exactly what I need when I need it.
It’s okay to feel what you feel. It’s okay to be sad. Look for the lessons. Look for the people who are by your side.
I don’t have to fear what I’m feeling, I have the ability to trudge through. I also have people around me who are okay with me trying to feel what I feel. Without judgement. Without accusing me of being broken, running for the hills, or feeling like it is their job to save me. Sometimes I’m too exhausted to reach out to these people, but I never regret it when I do. I have to remember, even when I’m exhausted, to reach out. How nice it feels to have a warm hand on your shoulder, or kind words on FaceTime. How bad it would be to miss a gift for fear of reaching out…